Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
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