Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
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