i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
now i know why i became what i already was.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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