Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Randomize
