I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
