the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
