he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I deserve this hangover.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
