Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
