i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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