ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
