You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Randomize
