We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
