he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
