I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize
