wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
