wanna go halves on a baby?
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
