it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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