He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
