dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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