my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
