You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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