using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
