if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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