Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
