apparently the secret to your success is patron
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Randomize
