Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
