I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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