i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
