I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
