You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
