I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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