there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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