And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
