Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
