whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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