I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
