I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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