The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
