I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Thank you for not boning my boss.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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