I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
