I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Randomize
