Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
