Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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