All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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