Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
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