Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize