I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Randomize
