Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
