you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
