I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
