The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
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