Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
