stop calling my apartment porn island.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
