O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
