when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
