I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
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