I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
she pinky promised me she was 18
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
