I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
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